Sadly, my attempts to recruit my friends into the Hossman Xbox Army have failed. They are weak and expect others to fight the alien hordes while they enjoy their piece and security. Cowards, all cowards. They drink their fancy French wine while the true xbox patriots give their digitial lives for the betterment of mankind.
But I am not alone. There are other’s out there that have joined my liberation army and we have been close. The system allows you to have a “friends” list. These are people that you have met in the online game and would like to play with again. The system lets you know when they are on so you can play together again. Think a playgroup for older gentlemen.
As a result of my friends treacherous behavior I have abandoned them. But I may have gone to far.
I had my first Xbox date. He is 57, I am 32. We are both guys. I thought you only experiment in college but I was wrong. Is it wrong that this feels so good? Do I need to go to confession?
It was innocent at first. We met and talked about the game we were playing—Call of Duty. Aptly named, I feel. In a nutshell, you destroy Nazi Germany with the righteous hand of freedom.
We were on eachothers friends list. I liked his style. He was no coward and did not hide behind digital rocks while other’s sacrificed their score to reach our objective. He was a crack shot and knew tactics. He was captivating.
An older gentleman meets a younger, handsome man on the net. One thing leads to another and soon they spend countless hours for a cause. If I wasn’t 32 and married, I would be calling the police.
It just went on from there. Then the unspeakable happened. I am ashamed what I am about to write. I played as a German. I am so sorry. I played as a German because the teams were not even and I hate bullies. The Allies outnumbered the Germans by 2 to 1. There were taunts, we were playing with them like they were injured bunnies. I could not take it anymore. I defected. I crossed over for the thought of a better game. I took my friend with me. AND I liked it. I discovered that I was much better with the German weapons. I was a god damn demon surgeon with that rifle. My blood lust was high. I was killing by the baker’s dozen. It was a slaughter and quickly the tide had turned. My friend converted to, we were together in our shame and betrayal.
Then it got weird. We talked about how much we enjoyed playing people from different countries. Since we were German converts it made whacking French people that much more fun. Throw some English and Chinese in there and it was a buffet. The Germans have no allies. After some beer and some game playing, we decided to meet the next morning at 8am to play people overseas. This is when they are just getting going. You have to get up a little early, sacrifice some sleep and just grit your teeth.
So I had my first xbox date. I told my wife about it and she just shook her head knowing that, perhaps, I have gone a little to far in my quest for a good Xbox game. She judges me. I judge me.
But I showed up the next morning, despite my reservations. It was exciting and different. I was awash in a new world of my gentlemen escort.
We joined a game and their they all were—every country I have ever played against. I signed up for the German Squad and the killing began. Bazooka’s, 50 cal machine guns and execution pistol shots from close range. My friend and I were the scourge of the battlefield.
I quickly became the Afganie Warlord. I had people defecting to my leadership. I was barking orders like Patton. I set up a perimeter and then sent out scouts. Once the scouts reported back, I sent flanking maneuvers and set ambushes. I burned villages, destroyed crops and annihilated economies. I was mad with power, mad with victory. I counseled each decision with my friend, sending troops off to their deaths. I was Genghis Khan, a Mongol warlord sparing no one. There was no mercy. The taste of their screams, so sweet.
This story does not end well. Revenge was not laid upon me. Justice was not done upon me. I took over. I remade the xbox world in my vision. I took a haphazard jungle of men without direction and gave them purpose, with my 57 year old xbox date. In short, we became a new clan, each adding us to their friends list so that we would constantly play together. I have laid out new laws, built societies, but my digital blood lust will not leave me. I will destroy all challengers, put down all riots, I will rule with an iron fist.
And when my friends finally see the light and come to my xbox world, I will destroy them. I will make them each question why they bought the 300 dollar machine of justice. I blame them for sending me to the darkside, to become a German and have a date with another man. I have fallen from Heaven, please, someone help me for I cannot help myself.