There once was a little boy that lived in a nice house with his sister and his parents. All this little boy wanted in life was his trains. You see, he loved trains more than he loved anything. He loved trains more than he loved his dogs, especially the fat one that would often step on his feet. He loved trains more than he loved peanut butter and jelly which was really easy considering that he didn’t like peanut butter and jelly that much but his sister did so they had to eat it a lot.
The problem was that he couldn’t play with his trains as much as he wanted to because his father had told him that he had to share with his sister. But he didn’t want to share. After all, they were his trains, why should he have to share? They weren’t her trains, they weren’t our trains, they were his trains. So why did he have to share anything?
But he couldn’t seem to make his father understand this. Mainly because his vocabulary was limited to words like “mine” and “poop”. And although he thought that when he screamed “mine” over and over again that they would understand, they didn’t appear to because he still had to share his trains.
One day he discovered a way to get out of sharing with his sister. All he had to do was to make her think that there was something better somewhere else and she would leave and then he could have his trains all to himself. So when his father wasn’t looking, he talked to his sister. Since they were both toddlers they could understand each other just fine as all toddlers speak and understand broken English and grunts.
“Oh exalted sister” he said. “I love playing with the trains, don’t you?”
“Yes, oh so very much my dear brother. But I love playing with you so much more.” She said.
“They are very fun” he said, leading her along.
“Yes, they are the most fun thing in the world.” She said.
“Well not, in the whole world. But they are very fun.” He said.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“There is something in father’s room that is much more fun. It’s so fun that father keeps it locked away in his closet.” He said.
“Really?” his sister asked. “Is there really something more fun than trains in father’s closet?”
“Yes there is, but I’m not sure what it is exactly as I am just a young 2 year old boy. But you are a wise 3 year old and I bet you would know what it is. It looks ever so much fun, way more fun than these silly trains.” He said.
“Well, as I am a 3 year old girl maybe I should go see what it is.”
“But only if you are brave. That shouldn’t be a problem for you because no one is as brave as you are.” He said.
Quickly his sister left and headed upstairs to their father’s room. He followed far enough behind so that she wouldn’t see him. When she went into the closet he would close it up and leave her in the dark. Then he wouldn’t have to share his trains anymore.
But his sister was much faster than he was and it was all he could do just to keep up. When he reached to top of the stairs he heard his sister scream with delight.
“Come quick!” She beckoned. “It’s so wonderful!”
What did she mean it was wonderful? There wasn’t anything in there, was there? Maybe there was. Maybe she did find something in Father’s closet that was much better than trains! Maybe it was a big train! But if it was a big train he wanted to get to it first because he didn’t want to share that with her! It was bad enough that he had to share his little trains with her and he couldn’t bear it if he had to share a big one to.
In his greed he rushed into fathers room and barreled head first into the closet. He looked quickly around for any big trains but he didn’t see any. He didn’t see any choo-choo’s, he didn’t see any train track, he didn’t even see any cool trucks. And he also didn’t see his sister.
Before he could turn around, the closet door shut behind him and he could hear his sister on the other side of the door.
“You are right” she said through the door. “There is something so much more fun than trains in father’s closet. A little brother locked in the closet IS so much better than any train!” Then she calmly turned around and left father’s room to go back and play with the trains by herself. In the end, the little boy was right. He wouldn’t have to play trains with his sister anymore.
The moral of the story is this: Please stay out of my closet because regardless of what you may think, there is actually nothing in there but my clothes and perhaps a sock or two. And no matter how many of those clothes you throw onto my bedroom floor, you will still not find a big train. That’s under the bed. Oh, and don’t screw with your sister, she will jack your shit up.