Here's my story. It seems that we were having a ton of children over for Easter. More than I had anticipated. Probably over a 100 or so, maybe even more. It wasn't my intention to have so many children come over but how can you say no to a child during a holiday? I remember what my holidays were like when I was a child and I am constantly trying to recreate those memories for my own children and the 100 or so that are coming over.
That means that the house is decorated with Easter things all over. A nice giant stuffed bunny greats everyone at the door. A nice bunny and not the scary kind that has sharp fangs and likes to steal your soul. I have repainted almost every room down stairs a nice pink or light blue to also go with the season.
In the kitchen the smell of fresh baked cakes, sweets and bacon (bacon is perfect for every season.) We had colored 10 dozen eggs previously and had spent hours getting them to look just right. Some even had some golden flakes sprinkled on them right before they dried so everything would stick. And of course we have plastic eggs, in which we have hidden candy or college scholarships. All these were hidden around the house. Some were hidden in plain sight and others were hidden in very tricky places. There is on on top of the roof that you can only see if you look up while coming to the front door. I have put a ladder near it as well as a "hint" for the 100 or so kids that are coming over.
Of course, to complete the perfect Easter for each child, I have arranged that each gets there own Easter basket. This is something that they can call their own and take back to the orphanage with them. Something that is special to them and it's important to me that each child feels special and important today. Each one has a chocolate Easter Bunny big enough to be a doorstop if needed. Each one has enough candy to keep a dentist in business for 20 years straight. And all 100 kids, some from orphanages, some from war torn countries, will get one.
However, it seems that I have miscalculated. I am two baskets short. This will not do. I will not have two children leave this house disappointed. Everyone gets an Easter basket, everyone. As you can imagine, with such a large group the logistics of things can be a bit tough which certainly explains how I miscounted. So I need only two more Easter baskets on the night before Easter, 9:00pm. This is why I'm at the local drug store hoping that they have at least two more Easter baskets. Just looking for two for the under privileged kids. Did I mention that some of them are orphans?
This is, of course, all bullshit.
There are no 100 kids that are coming over. There are no orphans coming here to celebrate Easter. There is no giant bunny at the front door, there is no egg hidden on the roof. In fact, there are not 10 dozen colored eggs with gold flakes. There are no plastic eggs with college scholarships. There are no cakes being cooked and sadly there is also no bacon.
What there is is 10 colored eggs, some Easter grass, assorted chocolates enough for 2 kids and some plastic eggs filled with pennys. There is also some sidewalk chalk that my wife thought would be great to add to the kids Easter baskets. Easter baskets that I currently don't have which really explains what I am doing at the drug store the night before Easter. I don't have Easter baskets for my own children.
This is all an elaborate lie that I have made up on my drive over strictly for the benefit of the teenage cashier that will surely judge me for being a bad parent. How can you wait for the last minute to get your Easter baskets she will think. She will know that perhaps I am not the greatest parent in the world but just some idiot slob that waited until the last minute.
I could tell her the truth, that I just couldn't find the time to go get the Easter baskets. That the kids were with me all the time so I couldn't just do it during the day. And when my wife went after work, they didn't have Easter baskets. I kept meaning to go earlier but Hossmom has been getting home late and by the time she got home, I was exhausted.
I cannot tell this to the check out lady because she will see it for what it is. She will see that I am lazy and obviously don't love my children, my family, or my country. I should be shot.
So I will not tell her the true story of my Easter. If she asks, and I'm not saying she is going to, but if she does, I will tell her about the orphans. The imaginary orphans that need Easter baskets at my awesomely decorated house even though there isn't a stitch of Easter decorations up. She doesn't need to know about that part. Because for some reason, the opinion of a complete stranger who hasn't lived life out in the real world yet, matters to me.
I don't know why and I'm not sure why I have even come up with this elaborate lie.
I walk into the store and see the checkout lady.
"Where are your Easter baskets? I have orphans at my house."
I need to go to a different store now. Perhaps in my next incarnation of the lie I can say that I invited Jesus to. He needs an Easter basket.